Episode 4: Welcome to Camp Nightmare Pt1

Do I remember this episode from before: No
Have I read the book?: Maybe. I remember the cover.
Most valuable character: Billy, I guess. He's a bit insufferable.
Feed them to Sabre: Larry

Opening scene
A bus drives along a winding road in the middle of the forest, before suddenly stopping. A man, with no sense of fashion gets out of the bus followed by a group of confused children. He begins unloading the bus without saying a word to the children who are frantically asking him "Where is the camp?". He finishes unloading the bus,climbs back in, and takes off.

Yes. Just abandon these annoying brats in the middle of the woods, sounds like a plan. He probably has better things to do, like going to buy more Hawaiian shirts from Walmart. The kids start speculating on their imminent demise.

Blond babyface:(sulkily) No one's ever going to find us out here!
Black kid with baseball bat: Don't be such a baby
Striped shirt kid that's obviously the lead character: Keep cool guys.

Whoa. Thanks for those words of wisdom lead character. We've just been abandoned in the woods, but sure, we'll keep cool. Suddenly they hear some growling from the woods, and the kids start to panic a bit- except for Billy (Lead Character)- he starts acting all brave and trying to tell the other kids to stay calm. It's easy to stay calm when you're the lead in a kid's horror show- nothing is going to happen to you!

Enter the 26th President of the United States
 Suddenly there's an explosion and the reincarnation of Teddy Roosevelt is standing behind the kids. He introduces himself as Uncle Al, Camp director of Camp Nightmoon and tells them to watch out for Sabre. He doesn't elaborate, just tells the kids that as long as they keep to the trails, it won't bother them. He leads them into camp, which is a mile walk in from that drop-off point.

As the kids start walking we witness a budding romance between Billy and this girl named Dawn. They talk a little about why Billy is at the camp (His parents are scientists who go on expeditions and usually ditch him with his aunt and uncle, and why Dawn is at the camp (My parents looked into a lot of camps, but Nightmoon is supposed to be the best!) Then they immediately split the boys and girls up, sending the girls to a camp across the lake. So much for their budding romance.

The Rules of Camp Nightmoon
1.No leaving your bunks at night
2. The girls camp is completely out of bounds
3. Lights out at 9, wake up at 6
4. YOU WRITE HOME TO YOUR PARENTS EVERY DAY!

*Bonus Rule*
Don't go into the Forbidden Bunk... Why? IT'S FORBIDDEN!

Sounds pretty straightforward, and totally murders that budding romance I mentioned previously.
But I digress.

The boys start getting settled into their cabin and bunks. Billy finds a bit of graffiti over his bunk that says "Sabre is Hungry" and asks this boy in sunglasses about Sabre. The kid tells Billy that no one knows much, but apparently Sabre got two kids last year . Before Billy can ask more, the blond baby-faced kid from before (His name is Michael) starts whimpering in pain. Everyone rushes over to find that he's been bitten by a snake that was on his bed. They wrap the snake in a bedsheet and toss it out the window.

Larry: Napoleon Dynamite's mean younger brother 


Their counsellor walks in at that point and goes "WHO THREW A SHEET OUT THE WINDOW?" The boys ask him if he's their counsellor and he introduces himself as Larry and repeats his question about the sheet being thrown out the window. They tell him about Mike getting bitten by a snake and Mike tries to show him the wound.
"EW! Get that out of my face! I just ate! I might have a bandage or something!"
The boys insist that Michael needs to see a nurse, but Larry tells them there is no nurse. Larry sends them to wash off the bite and to wrap it in gauze.

Yup. That's going to help

Campfire: Featuring a really out of tune Camp song 
It cuts to later that night when all the kids are grouped around the campfire singing the camp song with Uncle Al.The camp song is awful, not just because it's out of tune- it contains the line "Coddlers and whiners are not welcome here, Nightmoon is for big kids, there is no place for fear!" Meanwhile Billy goes to check on Mike and his snakebite. Mike tells Billy that his arm is now completely numb,
 Uncle Al notices that Billy and Mike were talking during the camp song and calls them out. Billy explains the situation and Uncle Al takes a look at Mike's arm.

Things seem like they are going to get better because Uncle Al admonishes Larry for not telling him about Mike's injury, and then tells Mike that it will be fine.
"All the swelling and the pain will be gone by morning...Trust me."
(Famous last words)
He commends Billy in front of all the other campers for trying to help a friend and the boys head to bed.

Gone by Morning
Uncle Al was right and the pain and swelling were gone by morning! The catch is: So was Mike. There is no trace of Mike  other than a pile of bandages in front of the cabin door. When Billy makes the mistake of asking Larry where Mike is, Larry mockingly replies to him saying that he might have gone home and then snickers. Billy tries to press for more information but Larry just makes snide comments about Billy being a whiner.
The other boys in the bunk try to reassure Billy that Mike was probably sent home. but Billy is not convinced.

A Strike
The scene cuts to the boys playing a game of baseball. Sunglasses (Colin) is up at bat, and ends up getting to first base with a quick punt. The next up at bat is Billy but he hesitates to step up to the plate, preferring to ask Uncle Al, who's playing Umpire what happened to Mike. Uncle Al waves his questions away telling him not to make mountains out of molehills and instructs him to step up to the plate and have fun. Sure. Your friend disappearing in the middle of the night after being injured is nothing to worry about... Especially when Uncle Al had to be reminded of who Mike was.
In any case, Billy steps up to the plate and hits the ball pretty hard. Colin rounds second base and manages to steal third. Larry tries tagging him after the fact but Uncle Al sides with Colin and lets the base be stolen. Larry is visibly pissed and throws his glove on the ground. When the next batter punts the ball, Larry manages to catch it while Colin runs for third. Larry sees his opportunity for revenge and for such a lanky jerk, he's got one heck of a throwing arm. He wheels up and throws the ball so hard he hits Colin in the head and Colin goes down HARD, We're shown that there's a sizable dent in the baseball helmet.
After the blow, Colin is barely able to stand, but Uncle Al insists that Colin's fine and tells the rest of bunk 4 to get ready for survival night. Their bunk is going to be sleeping under the stars (A camp Nightmoon tradition) and they need to start setting up tents.

Nothing is said to Larry for his attempted homicide.

Survival Night 
Cut to  later that night in the tent."Dear Mom and Dad..." Billy writes, and says that he's having a weird time at camp. He tells them that Larry's a jerk but Uncle Al seems Ok and then signs it off by invalidating what's been going on by saying that it's his first time at camp so he might be overreacting.
Suddenly the two other boys from bunk 4 (Jay and Roger) bust in and try to convince Billy to go to the forbidden bunk with them. Billy declines, opting to stay with Colin, who's still kind of out of it.

Later on Billy wakes up to the sound of growling. He races outside to find Jay in a panic. Jay tells Billy that something got Roger, and they have to get back to the bunk. Billy says he's not leaving Colin, and they run back to the tent. Colin sits up enough to tell them that  "Sabre's coming" and "Sabre's hungry" and apparently that uses all of Colin's energy and he passes out again.

Billy and Jay carry Colin back to the bunk running as fast as they can. They just make into their bunk and under some blankets when the door busts open and they scream.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Rating: 3/5- even though the story technically isn't finished
My biggest beef: That Larry wasn't eaten by Sabre... pity.
Moral of the Story: Adults either act like they care or don't, but probably don't care.

Episode Three: The Cuckoo Clock of Doom: Or how to get rid of a brat in ten easy steps

Do I remember this episode from before: Vaguely?
Have I read the book?: No.
Most Valuable character: Anyone that isn't Tara
Make them have never existed: TARA.
Special Credit: Michael age 6 and Toddler Michael

Little sisters can be a real pain. I know because I am one. I did put my older brother through the wringer sometimes. I blamed him for breaking toys, teased him about girls, and may have managed to injure him a few times. Now, we get along fairly well. Like we haven't killed each other or anything which I see as a definite plus.
In this episode, the little sister Tara is a massive brat. The episode starts off with her luring Michael into a booby trap and spraying him with fake blood. When he retaliates against her, he gets in trouble after she turns on the fake charm.

The face of evil itself 

"Mommy, he won't leave me alone." She simpers after he tries and fails to spray fake blood back at her. Mom takes one look at Michael, one look at the door covered in fake blood, and snatches the bottle from him, telling him that he needs to clean up that mess. Tara hangs back  after her mom storms inside and begins to gloat... and consequently, makes Michael have some sort of a PTSD flashback to his birthday party.

" I got you good, even better than I did at your party." 

Spoiler alert: Tara embarrassed him in front of his crush and then tripped him so he faceplanted in his birthday cake. Did I mention she's a miserable little human being? 

I wonder what kind of cake it was. 

After Michael's flashback is over, it cuts to his Dad bringing in a large piece of furniture into the house under a blanket.

Dad bought a very ugly cuckoo clock which he claims is magic. He forbids both children from touching the thing because they both try and mess with it immediately.

Later on, as Michael's heading up to bed, he overhears Tara getting in trouble for touching the clock, and Dad tells her that if anything's broken- she's in big trouble.

Michael then hatches his dastardly revenge plot. He'll break something on the clock, and Tara will take the blame! It's perfect! 

He sneaks downstairs after everyone has gone to bed. When the clock strikes the hour, and the cuckoo pops out, he grabs it and twists its head around. 

 " Try explaining that one Tara." he smirks.

The next morning rolls around and bounces down the stairs to gloat, and finds his parents setting up for his birthday. WHICH WAS THREE DAYS AGO. He thinks it's all a joke until things get seriously weird and his birthday party happens all over again. Tara embarrasses him yet again and makes him faceplant into his cake.

HE HAD HIS CHANCE AND HE BLEW IT!

He goes to bed and has this weird nightmare where the clock is chasing him...Don't ask me, I don't know how a clock can chase you,but it's something that happened.
Mike wakes up, and things get even weirder. He's suddenly six years old and living his sixth birthday party again. He ditches his party to find the cuckoo clock and almost gets kidnapped in the process. He's unable to get to the clock, and that night tells his parents goodbye because he says that he might not exist tomorrow. I feel bad for his parents. Imagine your six years old saying something that heavy to you after almost getting kidnapped.

The next morning Michael wakes up and he's like 2 years old or so, but somehow manages to convince his parents to go to the antique store where the cuckoo clock is located without being able to speak.
Despite having limited mobility and being like two feet tall, he manages to climb up on boxes and stuff and fix the cuckoo's head. In the process, he manages to knock off a number on the bottom of the clock that indicates the year 1988.

As soon as Michael fixes the cuckoo clock he's blasted back to his present 12-year-old self. His Dad comes in to make sure that he's not messing with the clock, and laments the fact that it's missing a year. Mike asks "Where's Tara?" and his dad asks him "Who's Tara?" The year that Michael knocked off the clock, 1988 was the year that Tara was born. He's somehow erased his annoying little sister from existence.

Welp.

Rating: 2/5

My biggest beef: There's probably more implications to erasing the year 1988. Like completely erasing the existence of the Jamaican bobsled team since the 1988 Calgary winter Olympics would have never happened. I do not want to live in a world where "Cool Runnings" doesn't exist.

Moral of the story: Getting revenge on your little sister can result in erasing her from existence.

Episode Two: It Came From Beneath The Kitchen Sink

Halloween is spooky enough without my commentary ruining it for all of you. I decided that posting would probably detract from your Halloween enjoyment of the series. However, let's make your November extra spooky!

Do I remember this episode from before: Not really.
Have I read the book: YES.
Most Valuable Character: Killer, the Dog
Put them through a food processor: The Grool - aka the sponge from hell
Special Character of mention: Amanda Tapping as Mom

So Katrina's family moves to a new, bigger house and she's not happy. Her luck is about to get worse.

Her dog, Killer (lovely name for a family pet) starts freaking out in the kitchen and barking at the cupboard under the sink. Katrina thinks that there's a cat stuck under there because all she hears is a faint hiss and sees a pair of glowing eyes. She reaches under the sink, and her finger gets bitten. She pulls out what bit her, but she doesn't pull out a cat... she pulls out a grotty old kitchen sponge. But on further examination, the sponge is ALIVE!

Obviously, when she tries to convince her mom, the glorious Amanda Tapping of Stargate fame, and her dad that the sponge bit her- she obviously doesn't believe her.

Because really, who would?

Bad things start happening to Katrina from that point. A plate falls from the box her father is holding and shatters on the floor.

Attempt#1 to get rid of the sponge: Dad throws the sponge in the garbage with the plate shards

Later on, Katrina is washing her face and reaches for her towel- and finds- THE SPONGE. She knocks a glass onto the floor and her brother steps on a shard.

Apparently, this sponge has a lot of pent-up issues about dishes and glassware.

More bad things happen: Killer runs away and Katrina falls off her bike and she's convinced something bad is happening to her because of this sponge.

What really convinces her, her brother, and their friend Carlos is when she comes home from the bike ride and all of a sudden the Sponge materializes in her bike helmet. Katrina grabs the sponge with the fireplace tongs and takes it outside

Attempt #2  to get rid of the sponge: They bury it in the backyard.

They think that it's definitely the end of their sponge troubles, but Killer still doesn't come back.

The next morning they wake up and all of the plants in the backyard around where they buried the sponge are dead. So, they exhume the sponge- and decide to bring it to Katrina's science teacher.

Her diagnosis: A normal kitchen sponge

Attempt #3 But Katrina convinces her to keep it overnight and locks it in a gerbil cage in the classroom.

Really, this is a terrible idea.

Her friend Carlos reads in a book that what she has is a Grool, a living bad-luck charm. He thinks that it would be cooler if she had this other creature that looks like a potato but has a row of wicked teeth. But back to the problem at hand, there is no way to get rid of a Grool. When it picks an owner, it's theirs for life, and they can't get rid of it or give it away. If they try to give it away- they'll die.

Katrina panics. What if the Grool thinks that she gave it away?
 They race to the school to find the Grool, but it's no longer in the gerbil cage. While they're in the room the janitor comes in, listening to his music "You are my sunshine." on his walkman. He turns on the lights in the room and busies himself with his work- but as soon as he starts- the lights go out. He goes to the electrical panel to fix the fuses, and smacks his head off of it and passes out. The kids continue to search the room for the Grool after checking on the janitor to make sure he's not dead.

Then, Katrina does something incredibly stupid considering that she's got a living bad luck charm.
She goes on a very creaky unbalanced stool, to check on top of a large shelf with a clearly marked jar of acid for the Grool. This is a terrible school environment if they leave out acid where anyone can reach it.

So guess what happens? Of course- Katrina finds the Grool on the top of the shelf, falls backward and takes the shelf with her. She lands clear of the shelf so she doesn't get smushed or splashed with acid, so apparently, the Grool sucks at his job... or this is a kids show and they can't show stuff like that.

The Grool lands on the floor and begins to grow. The chemicals are spreading across the floor and the door is blocked. Things look incredibly dire. They desperately try to wake up the janitor because they need an adult. Daniel, her brother, knocks the janitor's walkman so it starts blaring " You are my sunshine." The Grool makes a kind of squealing noise and begins shrinking- but the tape runs down a few moments later. They desperately try to figure out why the music worked to weaken the Grool as it starts to grow again.

They come up with the fact that the music was sooo happy and cheerful, that being happy and cheerful and nice to the Grool will weaken it. Katrina begins to make up a song that flatters the Grool and it begins shrinking again, but the effects don't last long. The chemicals that were spilled begin emitting some sort of gas that makes the children start coughing and the Grool begins to grow again.

The janitor wakes up at that point- and takes charge. He sprays a fire extinguisher at the chemicals... and somehow that makes them less toxic. Ok. That works. The Grool shrinks and the day is saved.


So since Katrina can't get rid of the thing, she does the next best thing. She keeps the Grool in a box with flowers and pretty purple satin and puts on happy dance music for it. She hears barking outside of her window and finds that Killer has returned.

She runs downstairs to greet her dog, and realizes there's something in his mouth.
It's a potato??
Then all of a sudden- THE POTATO SPROUTS TEETH.

The end.

Rating 3/5

My biggest beef: SPRAYING A FIRE EXTINGUISHER ON CHEMICALS PROBABLY WON'T MAKE THEM LESS TOXIC.

Moral of the Story: Don't move anywhere new. Don't look under the kitchen sink. Just. Don't.










                 

Episode One: The Girl Who Cried Monster

Do I remember this episode from before?: No.
Have I read the book: Maybe?
Most valuable character: Dad (Mr. Dark) for being a corny dweeb.
Feed them to the monsters?: Creepy Librarian Mortmon for being a creepy mouth-breather
Token minority: Aaron- Lucy'a black best friend

Synopsis: Pretty simple. Like the boy who called wolf but with a twist.

So our first episode starts off with the main character Lucy torturing her little brother Randy by telling him that monsters are going to eat his toes if he runs around barefoot. Rude, but reminiscent of my older sister Sarah. Lucy ends up convincing him that the monster gets her, and he runs off to tell Mom.
Best Randy line: How did all your toes grow back?!

Lucy then goes on a trip to the library, and tells the librarian that Black Beauty was boring and needed more monsters. Yes, obviously Ginger obviously should have become a flesh-eating zombie, getting revenge on all those who wronged her. Right.

The librarian, a bald man with a high voice, reminiscent of the eunuch Varys from game of thrones tells her to pick another book- and she picks Frankenstein. Because she likes monsters... Get it?

This is Mr. Mormont, the librarian. He is so done with Lucy at this moment 

About five seconds after leaving the library she realizes that she forgot her roller blades and runs back to discover something disturbing.

Mr Mortmon, the librarian is a bug-eating, stalk-eyed slimy monster.

Damn. Buy a toothbrush.

I discovered something too. Eating food and watching Goosebumps don't mix.

So, Lucy runs home to tell Mom and Dad. Guess what happens. They don't believe her. I know. Earth-shattering. Mom's more concerned with Dad's meatball making capabilities rather than the fact that her daughter just saw a real-live monster.

*Best subtext award goes to*:
Mom: Marty! You're making them too big!
Dad: What? I like big meatballs!
Sure you do Marty.

Lucy becomes determined to get proof that there's a real life monster in their midst. She takes a camera to the library the next day when she goes to return Frankenstein. Mortmont tries to make her feel sorry for the monster in the book, but Lucy's not having it. Then, taken out of context- Mortmont goes and drops some hardcore shade on Lucy by saying that there's a little monster in everyone, including her. Translation: Lucy, stop being such a pain in the butt all the time.

So Mortmont goes to the back room and transforms into his monster self again, and Lucy snaps a picture of him, but in her 12 year old brilliance forgets to turn off the flash. So, she ends up getting cornered by Mortmont while he spits out more quips than a comic book villain. Then, since he hadn't apparently learned the art of bending his knees- Lucy gets away by crawling through his legs and runs home.

In her terror, she forgot her backpack.

So, there ends up being a really creepy scene where Mortmont is trying to convince Lucy to open the door so he can give her the backpack back, but she doesn't take the bait. When her parents get home, she demands to go to develop the film right away and tells them that Mortmont followed her home. Now, this bugs me a bit,

Maybe I'm just reading too much into it, but if your daughter is chased home by a creepy middle aged man in a turtleneck- I'd be more worried. I understand it was to drop off her backpack, and he was just being "nice".However, if he had her address on file, he probably had their phone number too, and there was no reason to follow a pre-teen girl home and try and force her to open the door. But her parents are so blase about it. To the point that when they run into Mr. Mortmont outside the photo place, they invite him to dinner, even though he's kind of low-key stalking their daughter.

So, they're waiting for Mr. Mormont to arrive, and Lucy's mom tells her to behave. Mortmont gets there and awkwardness ensues. Until he asks what's for dinner....

Mom:Well, that was going to be a surprise...but, you.
Mortmont: Pardon?
Me: WHATTT?!

Mom and Dad sprout fangs, turn into snake monsters and eat Mortmont. Lucy and Randy are totally chill with it too.

"Oh honey, you have a smudge of viscera on your cheek" 

It's explained to the viewer that the family is the only family of monsters in town. Mortmont would have totally blown their cover being another monster- and so he had to go. They all have a good laugh and start settling in for the night... when they see another monster out the window.

Mom and Dad get all fangy again until it's revealed that it's just Lucy's best friend Aaron in a mask. They all have cherry pie, and laugh and laugh, and everyone forgets about creepy bug-eating Mortmont.

                                                                   The end. 

Rating: 2/5
Grossness Factor: 3.5/5
Will this give me nightmares; No.

Moral of the story: Even if you cry monster, it's ok, your parents who are also monsters will eat that monster.

Introduction

          Hello and welcome to my commentary on the television series Goosebumps!

I love being scared.
     Well, actually it's a more love-hate relationship, but it's one that has lasted since I was pretty small. Scary movies, scary stories, scary shows-anything I could get my hands on. It's no surprise that I was attracted to shows like "Are you afraid of the Dark?","Freaky Stories" and "Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction".
     But the main scary stories of my childhood were the Goosebumps books and Tv show. They were basically like a gateway drug into harder stuff like Steven King, Carolyn B. Cooney, and Christopher Pike.

Now I'm a 25 year old woman looking to regain some of that nostalgia. And maybe, just maybe I can be afraid of something other than creepy clown sightings, or Donald Trump.

Maybe.

Deep breath. Here goes nothing.